Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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