the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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