I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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