i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
