im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
