im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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