Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
