my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
