He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
