Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
