somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
