I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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