I haven't been this sober since birth.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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