Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
