Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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