i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
