none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
