i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
