Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
