Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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