I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
