My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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