Soap is not a condiment
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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