The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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