so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Randomize
