i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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