I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
