even my farts smell like vagina
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
