I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize