I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
