Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
