More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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