If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
