Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Say something about gay babies.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
