just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
