Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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