seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
