Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
