tell your sister to shave her snatch
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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