i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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