Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
