Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
