I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
