when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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