I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
