mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
from now on my penis is your penis
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
