I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
you never un-have a 4some
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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