He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
