Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
