why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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