Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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