i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
