3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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