so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
