she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
