This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
