you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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