I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
