We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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