her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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