Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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