I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
