It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
